Tuesday, 19 February 2013

Valentine's Day Fail: Let's Talk About Sex. For Reals.

Can I just start out by saying that just writing this makes me feel awfully nervous? I've let ya'll in on some pretty intimate parts of my heart, but this is one corner of my life that I wasn't really sure would ever make it up on this blog. Not because I am uncomfortable with the topic - just the opposite actually. I could talk about the importance of a healthy sex life in marriage all day long. My concern has quite simply been the audience of whom reads this blog. I have struggled with the appropriateness of it - I am less worried about my Mom or Auntie reading it than I am the kids in my youth group. However, after a chat or two with my husband, and a lot of prayer I think this is what I have settled on:

God has given me a passion to see marriages be exceptional. He has also given me a gift for writing. Sex is a hugely important part of marriage, and so therefore I can't leave it out of the conversation forever.

That being said, a story:

As you read in my last post, I love Valentine's Day. I think it's wonderful to have a day to celebrate the love in your life, and that was just what I intended to do. I have joked before, that one of my love languages is baking. I find so much joy in making delicious sweet treats for those that I care about, and there is no person that I care more about than my husband, so it only made sense that I would take the opportunity to bake him a yummy treat on Valentines Day. Oh, and that it would be heart shaped. That's just a given, right?

I had a plan - After weeks of Pinterest searching I found a recipe for heart shaped raspberry cream cheese tarts. I didn't like her recipe for pie crust, so I subbed in the pie crust recipe from one of my favorite bloggers. The recipe seemed quite different from my grandma's, but because I have tried so many of her other recipes without fail, I decided it would be fine.

I intended to bake them on Tuesday evening, but once I got home from coffee with my sisters it was past 9, and I just didn't feel like it.... then Wednesday when we got home from youth group past 9 pm, I once again decided not to make them. I knew this would mean I had to make them ON Valentine's Day, but seeing as we gave up television for Lent, I knew I would have nothing but time.

So we're cleaning up from dinner that evening (Chris made Falafels for me- my very favourite dish!) and out of nowhere I have an idea that spills out of my mouth - Why don't we go out for dessert? I mean, Valentine's Day is so often about the desires of the woman, but I know Chris has a sweet tooth, and I also know that we've been eating so well for so long and denying ourselves things that would tip the calorie charts. So I offer this to him as a way to give him a treat, and he gladly accepted.

Wait a second. Why did I even say that? I have full intentions of MAKING dessert. Well, now that I look back on it, it's pretty apparent to me that God was trying to spare me from the frustrating moment that will accompany me making these tarts. My problem is that sometimes I only half listen. So instead of scrapping my tart idea (No way! I've had these planned for weeks!!!) I decide we can do both. I know the pie crust recipe requires the dough to rest in the fridge for an hour, so I figure I can start it, throw it in the fridge, and finish when we come home.

So that's just what we do. I start the dough, and even though it doesn't quite seem right to me, I throw it in the fridge, and we head to Moxie's for white chocolate brownies. YUM.

When we get home Chris decides to jump in the shower and I get to work. Problem is.... the dough didn't do what it was supposed to in the fridge. See, it was a little.... dry. And I knew that when I put it in the fridge, but the recipe promised me that it would absorb the moisture while it rested, and I would be able to roll it out with ease. Well let me tell you that there was nothing easy about it. I had to add more milk to it, and work it so much with my hands that the dough quickly became quite tough. Oh man, was I ever frustrated. Chris came into the kitchen at just the right moment.... to get an earful from me about how stupid this dough was.

He did his best to tell me it was OK, and the dough looked fine. And then he wrapped his arms around me, and moved a little closer. My body stiffened. I knew where he was going with this. He tried to kiss me. Really kiss me. I think my lips probably reflected the rest of my body posture. I actually felt angry that he would even try in that moment - couldn't he see how much trouble I was having, and how frustrated I was? Obviously I needed to finish what I had started. I had flour up to my elbows, and the oven was on. I was making these for him - why didn't he appreciate that? Of course I had plans of making love to him that evening, but all I could think was "Right now??" 

He pulled away and went in the other room. Defeated.

My heart sank. I hate to see that look on his face, but more so I hate to know that I was the one that caused it. Have you ever wondered what goes through your husband's head when he seeks intimacy from you and you turn him down? We've had that conversation before, and I can tell you that I really don't want to be the trigger for those thoughts.

I had a few minutes to think as I finished assembling my tarts and I think Jesus had something to say about all this (go figure). I was trying so hard to show my love to my husband- to serve him in a way that I know he enjoys. Chris often thanks me for the baking I make him, and acknowledges that it was a way for me to serve him. So I wasn't way off base. My heart did begin in the right place


I also didn't pay attention to how he was asking to be served. I was so stubbornly sticking to the original plan (MY original plan) of how I was going to serve and honor him, that I didn't pay attention to the fact that he was telling me exactly what he wanted. Thankfully once I realized this, Chris accepted my apology and our evening was redeemed.

Also, as a side note, I am working on being OK with baking endeavors that don't go as planned. I may have a teensy bit of pride goin' on. Please pray for me! ;)

Oh, and the tarts turned out just fine. Could have used a bit more sweetness in the filling, but the pie crust portion was quite tasty!

Like what you've read? Aside from following this blog, you can follow me on Facebook, as well as subscribe by email (Top left of this page) so you never miss a post!

Thanks for stopping by :)



  1. Found your blog through your guest post at LifeBlessons :) I love this post! It is so real, so honest, and so needed. I think so many marriages go through this and it def. is a pride thing.. but I'm glad that your night was still wonderful! We just have to serve our husbands in THEIR own love language and put ours aside ;)
    thanks for this!

    1. Hi Stephanie,

      This post wasn't easy to write, but I felt it weighing heavily on my heart. Thank you SO much for the encouragement!

      Thanks for stopping by!