Wednesday, 23 July 2014

I've Been Having a Hard Time Lately

I've been having a hard time lately finding a balance in my life.

When Elliott was first born I felt as though I adjusted quite well in my new role as a stay at home Mom. I was happy. No baby blues. I felt fulfilled and content. I was totally rocking this new mom thing!

Somewhere around the 6-8 week mark I started feeling bored and lonely. Up until then Elliott and I stuck pretty close to home aside from going to a Mom's group once a week. Chris started working his summer job in May when Elliott was about 5 weeks old. If I wanted to leave the house it seemed like a hassle to drive Chris to work in the mornings so I could have the car. Very quickly I started to feel isolated and stuck. I knew I could take the car, but it seemed silly to get up and out of the house that early (some days it meant waking Elliott up to leave) if I didn't have a reason. However, I soon realized how limited I was to spontaneously leave the house.

And all of a sudden I understand why so many Moms are stuck staring at Facebook on their phones all day long, because sometimes you just need to talk to someone other than your child. Have your opinion heard from someone a little less... drooly.

So, I started having people over quite often - inviting them to visit with me here at the house. Sometimes 2-3 times a week. It helped with the isolation, but didn't take away that stuck feeling. Chris would get home and I would almost feel jealous for his time. If he made plans in the evening with friends I would feel disappointed and sad. He had trouble understanding because he often made plans on days that he knew I had someone over  that way I wasn't home alone all day to then just be home alone all evening. In theory, he was being very thoughtful, but the fact that he was leaving the house and I wasn't was upsetting to me. Then, in July Chris got a work van. Hallelujah! Now I have the car everyday, and it's made a huge difference. I can leave the house whenever I want- no more isolation, no more stuck.

Problem is, I started filling up my schedule pretty quick. All of a sudden I had days where I felt too busy. I would get home at 4 pm, exhausted and realize I had no plan for dinner. What the heck! I'm a stay at home Mom. Dinner is part of my job description! Don't get me wrong - Chris is always happy to help and does so often, but when he gets home at 6pm after working a physical job, the last thing I want to do is ask him to make dinner for me when all I've done is go for coffee with a friend.

So now I have days that are too busy, and then recovery days where all I do is catch up on house work and avoid leaving the house because I feel like I need a break. It's always weighted on one extreme or the other. Even within any given day I seem to have trouble with balance. When Elliott is awake I spend time with him playing, feeding him, doing some of the louder chores (unloading the dishwasher for instance) and playing some more... When he goes down for a nap my response is to either get the housework done, or depending on how tired I am, sometimes I just want to "take a break" and watch TV. Oh, that stupid TV.... How I can get sucked into watching two episodes of Four Weddings and then feel frustrated that I "haven't had time" to write.


The other day I wrote a To Do list for myself. I love lists- they keep me on track, and there's nothing more satisfying then checking things off. There were 9 things on the list and "Spend time with Jesus" was the second last item. I'm not even joking. I don't know what's more sad - the fact that I felt it needed to be something on my list I could check off, or the fact that it was #8 and still, three days later hasn't been checked off.

And I wonder why I have so much trouble with balance.

I've been having a hard time lately. It's affected how I respond to friends, family and even Chris. (Ok, maybe Chris the most!) You know that feeling of wanting to reconnect with a friend? It's been a while, and you always enjoy your time with them. You find yourself wondering what they might do in the situation you are in, or what their advice might be. One day you realize it's been way too long since you went for coffee and it hits you - you miss them!

I want to miss Jesus. I want to feel jealous for His time. I want to anticipate the moments I have to be alone with Him, and look forward to it all day long.

I'm getting there. Stay tuned for my next post where I'll explain a little more.

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