Tuesday, 20 November 2012

Sometimes I just need to write.

I wrote a post not too long ago about how I hate the word busy. Something I hate even more is when I allow myself to be consumed by the word and the overwhelmed feeling that goes along with it.

The worst part? When I feel overwhelmed with one thing, I tend to feel overwhelmed with everything. It's as though there is a list screaming at my inside my head that seems completely out of my reach. The sheer volume of tasks before me cause me to feel like the weight is preventing me from getting up and doing.

Friends wedding coming up. Need to buy sweater that matches the other bridesmaids. Need shoes. Need to make scavenger hunt for stagette. Need to print off, and cut. Need prizes for game. Need to book hotel for weekend. Need to make sure I transfer money to pay for hotel. Shoot, need to pay Tenant's Insurance. Speaking of Tenant's, need to rip up carpet in basement suite so new floor can be put down. Speaking of basement suite, need to get to work planning shower for the other wedding I'm in. Need to make a spreadsheet for replies to shower. Need to make a list of what I need to buy for the shower. Need to go shopping. Speaking of shopping, need to start Christmas shopping (Is Christmas even happening this year???) Need to set a budget for Christmas spending. REALLY need to sit down and go over yearly budget now that new tires, tenant's insurance and 2 bridesmaids dresses have substantially drained the savings account. Speaking of Christmas, need to hang Christmas lights. Decorate... one day? Oh. Need to clean up back entrance so all the scarves and mittens fit better on the shelf. Really need to put summer shoes/sandals in a box. Where do I put the box? Need to clean out the closet in the spare room. And the entire storage room. Ugh, my house is a mess. Nope. Can't go there.

All this spins in my head in the matter of seconds. I'm not exaggerating. My heart starts beating faster. I begin to feel like my breathing is quickened. It seems I have only two choices.  Push it out of my head. Or Cry. Usually I will try option A for as long as I possibly can until I realize that I have pushed it out just long enough for the ball to be dropped in some area.

I forgot to transfer the money. Ohmygosh... transfer the money. Transfer the money. What money? there is no money to transfer. What about Christmas? We haven't set the budget. How can I possibly start shopping if we haven't set the budget?? Oh man... the budget. I can't even log into our banking website for fear of what I'll see. No wonder I didn't transfer the money.

And then starts the crying. And the feeling of being completely out of control. Which often leads to not wanting to be productive with ANYTHING. Thank the Lord my husband can handle making dinner when his wife is a mess. Somehow this also gets twisted into the belief that this is just how it is right now. In this busy (cringe) season of my life. I will feel overwhelmed. I will cry and breakdown. I will get very little done.

I feel defeat.

I do know I'm not in control. I know that Jesus has this all figured out. But what if I've missed the mark somewhere? What if I didn't hear His prompting to do something and now I'm completely off track? What if we're just simply not being good stewards of our money, and now we're going to feel the consequences? Have I been too busy worrying how I'm going to figure this all out to remember that I'm not supposed to do it on my own? Have I not asked the Lord for help?

Nothing comes to mind. Where are the words that normally comfort me? The words that I should be reading every single day? The words that can cause this spinning to stop and have the power to silence the unrest, the overwhelmed and the out of control feelings? Where are they?? Another twisted belief? I'm too busy to read my Bible.

That's horse crap.

‘Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’
 Isaiah 41:10

Deep breath. Writing this helped. Thanks for listening friends.

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  1. I can't even begin to tell you how much I needed to read this today. This time of year brings out the busyness in people and the overwhelming stress of it all. I caught myself sighing out loud more times than I can count today, which can only mean one thing.
    I let out a different kind of sigh when I was reminded that I am not in control. It can take the pressure off, if only we let it.
    Love you and thanks for this. We are not alone, that's for sure!

    1. Thank you SO much Trisha- I wrote this and then almost didn't publish it because it just felt so raw. Knowing that it touched you affirms to me that I didn't just write it for myself, and I certainly didn't write it alone. Love you too!