I was only 17 years old when my sister had her first. Over the next few years she had two more, and I soaked up every single piece of knowledge I could from her and her experiences. I became somewhat of a baby expert. (Or perhaps a baby know-it-all?) and started answering people's questions about babies with "Well, my sister did this...."
People have been telling me all my life what a good mother I will make. I believed them and agreed. I was made for this. Truly. God has hard wired a mother's heart in me- there's no question about that. I am SO blessed to have married a man that has always wanted to be a Daddy. I knew from a young age that I didn't want to be a parent with someone that was doing it just for me, or with someone that would put in only the amount of effort required. I wanted someone who had a deep desire and calling to be a Daddy that matched my deep desire and calling to be a Mommy. I've found that in my husband, and couldn't consider myself more blessed.
So... it sounds like it's all come together, right? I've always wanted this. I've waited for this all my life. We planned this child and anxiously awaited getting pregnant. Finally it's happening, and it feels so right with the timing, and where we are in our lives, and we know that it is what the Lord wants. Why the panicky feelings then? I have no answer for that, but I know these fears are not from God.
How will this affect our marriage? Will we become disconnected from each other? What about our sex life?
Will I feel sad or hormonal after the baby? Will Chris feel like that is a weight he has to bear for our marriage? Will he need to take on more duties at home and resent me for it?
Will the baby and I bond right away? Will I have trouble with breastfeeding? Will I struggle with postpartum depression?
Will I learn that I really know nothing about infants? Will I feel embarrassed by my previous know-it-all attitude?
Will my friendships suffer? Will some people disappear from my life because we're "in different places right now?" Will I be lonely all day alone with baby?
Will I fail?
You know, it just seems that throughout my whole pregnancy everyone and their dog wants to tell me all the negatives. I imagine they are doing it because they feel like they were unprepared and want to save me from not knowing that I'll never sleep again. But seriously? It's not helpful. It's not helpful to tell a woman who struggles with anxiety when it comes to keeping her house clean that she can "Just wait until baby is here!" with a smirk. And when you tell me that everything in my life is about to change, maybe you could put a less haunting spin on it. I'm aware- no more movies. No more spontaneous dinners out. No more..... fun? Don't tell me that the first time you left the house without baby was when she was nearly a year old. Don't tell me that date nights are non-existant.
I think the old saying really applies here. If you don't have something nice (encouraging, and helpful) to say, then maybe just don't say anything at all.
Do not fret, friends. I am still enjoying my pregnancy. Yes I am over the moon excited to finally meet this baby. I'm not drowning in sorrow or wallowing about the life-as-I-know-it that will soon be over. I think I'm just starting to get angry about having these fears enter into my heart at all. They take up space- space that is reserved for other things that bring me joy and hope. I'm just a little sick of it all. Today I'm putting it all down. The fears, I lay at the foot of the cross where they belong, because Jesus did not die for me to live a life anything but a full and abundant one.
Like always, your prayers are welcome. Thanks friends.
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