Marriage Monday

Marriage Monday!

This morning I crawled into bed at 5:45 with Scarlett, hoping I could snuggle her back to sleep. We had been up since 5. She blew bubbles while I laid there attempting to accept the fact that she wasn’t going back to sleep. Chris rolled over, and I apologized for waking him up. He asked what time it was and sympathized when I told him how long I had been awake. And then he offered to get up for a bit until I needed to get up for the first dayhome kid’s arrival. I closed my eyes and was back asleep in seconds.

I’m telling you this story because while it is SO NORMAL for us now, it wasn’t always. When Elliott was little I would sometimes be woken up 5-6 times in the night, and up for the day well before 6. And I did it all alone because I didn’t know how to communicate my needs, and I sort of thought that night time/early morning parenting was a solo sport. I grew up with a Dad that was mostly a spectator in the parenting game, and while I didn’t consciously think I wanted the same thing, my actions created a similar environment. I often took on all the hard parts of parenting because I was afraid that Chris would resent our choice to have kids if it was too hard, and in the early years I was afraid he wouldn’t want more kids unless it seemed easy.
I remember one day when Audrey was a baby and I was struggling so terribly with post partum depression and anxiety, and I got the flu. I had a fever and couldn’t get up off the couch. I gave Chris step by step instructions of what to feed Elliott for dinner, and how to mix Audrey’s cereal, when to get Elliott ready for bed etc. I thanked him profusely for how he was “such a rockstar” for doing everything while I laid on the couch. And then all of a sudden it hit me that he was simply doing the things I did every single day. He wasn’t a rockstar, he was just being “mom.” I immediately felt angry and resentful. Why didn’t he do more? Why didn’t he help more?

It wasn’t his fault though. I had created a culture where I did it all. Not only did I not ask for help, I didn’t even create space where he thought I needed it. I just did it all. Always.

Shortly after that I went on medication for anxiety, and we had some pretty important conversations of how he could support me. The culture shifted, and I don’t think Chris and Melissa *now* would even recognize Chris and Melissa *then.*

It’s important to mention how I truly didn’t feel angry and resentful until that day I was sick. I didn’t know there was another way of doing things. I had no clue that my experience growing up had shaped the way I approached parenting so much. This took time, introspection and counselling. I had a lot of things to figure out for myself, and had to be able to communicate those things with Chris. As I grow and change as a person and as a mom, it’s my responsibility to continue communicating my needs, expectations, hopes and dreams with him. I’m 34 and still learning what is deep inside my own heart.

This work never ends. There is no finish line in marriage.


I recently started working out as a regular part of my lifestyle, and something I've learned is that this is a lifelong pursuit. There is no such thing as a last rep. You don't do leg day and expect the strength to last forever. You keep working those muscles every week to hold the strength at the level you desire.

What do you desire for your marriage? Are you still working at it?