Thursday, 17 October 2013

And Then We Didn't Get Pregnant Right Away....

Ok, to pick up where we left off, Chris and I had just received confirmation from God that he wanted us to start trying to conceive our first child right away. We. Were. Stoked. So, if you remember, this all happened in January. There were a few things that got in the way of us beginning to try (getting off the pill, etc) so that didn't actually happen until March.... which brings us to April and our first pregnancy test. As I am sure you can imagine from the title of the post.... it was negative. And I cried.

I know it's silly, but there was just something that made me think we would get pregnant the first month. I know a lot of women who have - even after being on the pill for years. That, and the fact that God had told us to start trying right away? It seemed like it was all pointing to getting pregnant right away. (Great logic, right?)

Now, I know there are also a lot of women who have truly struggled with infertility, and so I want to be clear. I know that we were so blessed to only have to wait a few months. We got pregnant in our fourth month trying. In the grand scheme of things, that's barely waiting at all. The truth is though, it felt like an eternity. It was in those moments though, when it seemed like it was never going to happen, or I worried that there might be an underlying reason why we weren't conceiving, that Jesus really spoke to my heart. I had no choice but to turn to God for my comfort. It wasn't easy by any means. There were some days when I felt angry with him. Why would he tell us to have a baby and then seemingly withhold the baby from us? There were days that I worried it was my own faith that was lacking. Maybe if I really believed it would happen, it would. I started to think it was easier to not hope for those two lines, because each time I did and didn't see them the disappointment was so great.

Obviously, through all the arguing with God and learning to trust him more, I learned a lot. As I reflect back, I am thankful for one thing in particular, which is that at no time during that time did I wonder if we had heard God incorrectly. Chris and I were both certain that he had said "NOW" and I am so thankful that in all my wondering why it was taking longer than I expected, he protected my heart in this way.

The month that we conceived Chris started praying for us each night in a very intentional way. He prayed boldly, and with confidence that we knew had conceived that month, and asked the Lord to protect our baby in my womb and to calm my nerves and anxiety about whether or not I was pregnant. All this, weeks before we received a positive test. I knew there was something different about this month (July) and we were so overjoyed when we took an early test and saw that very faint line. It was true! Our God had provided us with a child and we couldn't be more excited.

For my next post I'll be sharing the fears I had of miscarrying and how God was my comfort and refuge in that time as well.

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